If you’ve found a therapist who takes your insurance and has open spots, congratulations! You’ve just hit the lottery. Except what they don’t tell you is that this may not be a good fit. In fact, sometimes working with a “good enough” therapist feels worse than going at all.
There’s a Feeling You Can’t Define
When there’s a good therapeutic fit, there’s something intangible that makes it clear to you once you experience it. It’s not necessarily that you like your therapist or they’re entertaining, but instead, that you feel that you are genuinely heard while not performing or actively editing yourself to be present.
Some therapists position themselves in a way that makes you “sell” your story and need to have heard stories beforehand that justify your reason for being in their office. Some others create spaces for nuanced feelings, even conflicting ones, to exist. It doesn’t matter how long someone has been in practice or what their degrees say; that’s the difference when it’s a good fit. It means less energy is spent figuring out what an honest response looks like like, and more energy is present for actual honesty.
Yet, that doesn’t mean every session feels comfortable or cozy. But a good therapeutic relationship asks hard questions and challenges you to work in ways that might not be comfortable; where it’s hard to keep going.
There’s a Specialization That Matters
Therapist bios tout every conceivable issue from anxiety to depression, trauma to relationships to life transitions, and everything in between. It feels as if everyone treats everything and if this is the case, how could anyone ever choose?
In reality, therapists do have actual specializations, and those who frequently work with clients like you are more beneficial than those who pretend to do everything. For example, a Denver therapist who specializes in women dealing with anxiety as a result of life transitions differentiates themselves from the generalist because they have likely seen this pattern before, developed treatment strategies that resonate, and have recommended steps that worked for others since they’ve been there before—they know how this plays out overall.
However, just because someone on paper is an anxiety treatment expert doesn’t mean they’re a good fit because their approach may turn you away from what they’re focusing on. Therefore, some therapists take more cognitive approaches while others are more emotional in their assessments, and others still rely on mind-body work. None of those approaches are inherently better than each other—they simply work based on your processing system and how your brain functions.
The Questions They Ask (And Don’t Ask)
The types of questions a therapist asks when building rapport—and even after—can suggest fit or no fit. If someone’s mostly interested in your symptoms, history, and timeline vs. seeking how different dynamics play a role in your situation, are they interested in immediate solutions or are they comfortable sitting in the questions?
People need various approaches and neither of them is wrong—but if you believe your therapist will meet you where you’re at through assumption and this isn’t the case? Frustration will emerge. If you want practical tools and worksheets and your therapist wants to delve deeper into your family dynamic, that’s the problem. If you feel overwhelmed by worksheets but your therapist kept giving you homework despite your discomfort? Same issue.
A good fit means that someone asks questions with an expectation that the answers might lead somewhere more than just fact-gathering; they genuinely care without checking boxes on an intake form and can remember what you’ve said previously without asking you again within the same session why you’re here today.
The Feedback That Lands (Or Doesn’t)
When a therapist comments on what’s been previously discussed or offers something similar that you’ve been meaning to say but couldn’t get the words out—this shows they’re paying attention to the nuance of the work. When something doesn’t resonate or they misfire essentially hits home mean the therapist isn’t as connected as you thought they were to your life story.
Everyone has sessions where a sentence from the therapist just doesn’t land right; it happens. But if there’s a pattern where a therapist seems to be getting it wrong by sketching an inaccurate image of your life—inclusive of cultural projections—then you’ve got a fit issue on hand. Your therapist should ideally know what’s going on, even if he/she/they haven’t experienced it for themselves; it’s important when they have enough of a grasp without needing to be acquainted with daily happenings without proper cause.
This also includes cultural intersections; someone may not identify in any intersectional category through which you identify, but that’s okay. What’s not okay is spending too much energy introducing basic concepts that should be common knowledge; which does not mean making assumptions but instead consistently educating your therapist about the basics of family dynamics versus work culture versus gender expectations; that’s energy that could be used for therapeutic benefit toward progress instead.
The Pace That Matches Your Need
Some therapists move at warp speed; they can identify patterns faster than you can connect dots on your own; they throw out ideas and hope breakthroughs come instead of actively waiting for them to evolve naturally over time. Others take it slower; wanting to understand everything first before action-oriented steps can be taken at later dates—this is an equally valid approach just a different one.
If you’re someone who can benefit from exploring multiple avenues all at once, someone dragging their feet would frustrate your therapeutic process; if you’re someone who requires building trust first before opening up to vulnerability even instead of a thoroughly vetted treatment plan would leave you feeling bankrupt from the onset of the visit to avoid practical overload.
The right pace doesn’t overwhelm, but provides an opportunity for challenge so there’s movement forward—and fast enough that it’s never stagnant—there’s usually something to hold onto even if it’s nothing substantial week-to-week. Not every session will feel like an epiphany, but it will feel like a natural progression every time instead of starting from square one in every new office regardless of how many boxes people want to check off in different sessions.
When Good Enough Isn’t Good Enough
Sometimes—a therapist is just okay; they’re good at what they do but they still aren’t right for you because there’s something lacking but there’s no tangible label for what’s off—even if they’re competent and kind and well-meaning.
That’s okay; this doesn’t mean either of you did anything wrong—it’s just that therapy requires a specific kind of connection and sometimes if it’s not there its unnamable chemistry—and that’s completely okay. But staying with someone who’s merely okay because of guilt or feeling bad starting over keeps you from finding someone truly appropriate for you.
But the guilt is awful; especially if they’re kind and well-meaning! But one of the few types of relationships where guilt should never be at the forefront comes down to therapeutic application; you’re not friends, you’re not family—you’re paying someone for their service and ultimately should get what you pay for accordingly!
Making the Call
If you’ve been working with someone for three-four sessions and still have any inclination one way or another—especially wrong—that’s worth discussing candidly within the therapeutic realm. A good fit won’t ignore feedback as to good fit anyway—and how they respond speaks volumes about whether they will be able to help you should you stay with them going forward.
If someone gets defensive or makes you feel bad because you questioned their fit—this person isn’t right for you. If someone takes concern seriously and wants to help you think through what’s best—even if referring elsewhere—shows they’re able to provide exactly what’s needed to make therapy work for you in your favor moving forward anyway.
Ultimately, it’s not always butterflies and rainbows—but when there’s good fit it feels like it actively is because you’ve got proper understanding, challenge without overwhelming sentimentality and help in all aspects along the way to make it work otherwise challenging wouldn’t feel so good while transformed into something genuinely therapeutic for you (that anyone else in similar situations would never understand anyway). When you find that fit? You’ll know it’s worth waiting for instead of settling for someone with open slots as soon as possible.
