People compromise their boundaries when they’re nervous about getting someone’s approval. It’s a slippery slope because once you start, you begin losing your sense of self in the relationship. When you feel emotionally triggered, you recognize a boundary is being overstepped. You can’t blame the other person if you haven’t made your boundaries clear ahead of time.
The right time to set boundaries
There is no specific time to start setting boundaries; it should just be as soon as possible before you’ve met in person. You might still be chatting on the dating app. How do you start? Let’s say your match brings up a topic that makes you uncomfortable, such as the 2024 presidential election, salary, family life, etc. Say you’d rather not discuss that at this point and change the subject to something neutral, like a shared hobby.
Be clear and direct
Your profile should state what you want and don’t want clearly and directly. It’s better to push an unsuitable person away right off the bat than worry about sounding awkward. State your needs and wants and weed out people who aren’t looking for the same thing from the start. Users who are a good fit will not be driven away. Here are some options of what you can say:
- If you’re looking for casual hookups, please swipe away.
- I need to get to know you before getting physical.
- I am female, and I am looking for another female; no threesome offers, please.
- I practice non monogamy, and I am looking for someone who’s on the same page.
It’s challenging enough to find a partner looking for an ordinary relationship. Looking for one that will be fine with an admittedly non-monogamous person could be even more difficult. However, it’s worth remembering that relationships fail because of problems within them, not necessarily an individual’s preferences. When it breaks down, you can’t put all the blame on one person. The more you focus on developing a satisfying relationship, the less it matters whether it’s monogamous or not.
Whatever your priority is, keep openers short and to the point. That makes them easy to read and respond to. People are less likely to reply when something is difficult to read, especially female users who get heaps of messages on dating platforms every day.
The fine line between self-respect and rudeness
At the same time, one shouldn’t overuse the words “needs” and “expectations” in profile descriptions and chats. How would you feel if someone you just matched with on a dating platform started pushing needs and expectations in your face? Statements like “I expect you to plan the date” are off-putting because you can’t demand things from virtual strangers. What’s more, they suggest the prospective relationship is going to be all about you.
Gen Z and women struggle the most with setting boundaries
A 2022 survey of over 1,000 Americans found younger generations had the hardest time saying “no” to others. Members of Gen Z ended up at unwanted events the most often. Specifically, 66% of Gen Z ended up being somewhere they didn’t want to be. This was true for 48% of millennials and 43% of Gen X. Just 26% of boomers went to an event they didn’t want to be at.
The survey revealed that 58% of Americans had difficulty turning people down; expectedly, Gen Z was the worst. 64% of Gen Z participants had difficulty saying no compared to 59% of millennials, 55% of Gen X, and just 42% of boomers. Boomers are the only generation where the majority has no problem saying “no.”
Also, unsurprisingly, 65% of women had trouble with this compared to 49% of men. The percentage of self-described “people pleasers” also varied between men and women. 67% of women believed they were people pleasers compared to 58% of men.
Is the relationship worth pursuing?
Everyone is entitled to boundaries at the end of the day. Being in the early stages of dating doesn’t mean you have to compromise on safety and protection. Your match’s response to a boundary can determine whether the relationship is worth pursuing.
